screenplay THE WAY WE WAR by Robert Patrick Part 1 of 3

                          THE WAY WE WAR

an original screenplay

by

Robert Patrick

 for Brian Perko

c 1994

Robert Patrick

#211

1837 N. Alexandria Ave.

L.A. CA 90027

 (323) 360-1469

Rbrtptrck@aol.com

THE WAY WE WAR

FADE IN:

EXT. ESTABLISHING – THAINIA – DAY

Outskirts of a large Asian city, mostly bombed to rubble. Here and there a few LARGE BUILDINGS (Embassies) remain. They have on their roofs RIFLE NESTS and FLAGS OF VARIOUS NATIONS. [NOTE: Not American.] One middle-distance building has no rifle-nest and no flag. [NOTE: It will turn out to be the abandoned American Embassy.]

EXT. STREETS IN THAINIA – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Rubble, rubble, rubble lines both sides of narrow, pitted streets. COOLIES, CARTS, and MILITARY TRUCKS (bearing many different flags) rumble through the rubble.

EXT. INTERSECTION IN THAINIA – DAY – CONTINUOUS

A liveried Thainian CHAUFFEUR inches a limousine along a street. A NATIVE guides a sledge full of REFUGEES, pulled by an ox, along the cross-street into the intersection. Limo slows and HONKS. Refugees, Guide, and ox stop, blocking road. Limo halts. Limo honks. The ancient world and the modern world gridlock among ruins.

SUPERIMPOSE CAPTIONS:

First: “THAINIA…CAPITOL OF THAIN….TODAY…”

Then: “….AND YESTERDAY…”

Then: “…AND PROBABLY TOMORROW.”

Then: “GET IT?” CUT TO:

EXT. RUSSIAN EMBASSY ROOFTOP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Sandbags. Russian flag. Armed RUSSIAN SOLDIERS read a sex magazine. On its cover is Melanie Marlowe, the world’s most beautiful woman. One Soldier folds out the magazine’s center-fold and mutters approval in Russian. Another Soldier fires a few SHOTS in the air to express his excitement.

CUT TO:

EXT. FRENCH EMBASSY ROOFTOP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Fortified. French flag. FRENCH SOLDIERS ogle French edition of magazine. O.S. GUNFIRE. A bullet hits flagpole with a PING! French Soldier looks up, annoyed, returns to magazine. Another O.S. GUNSHOT makes a sandbag leak. A French Soldier raises his rifle, but not his eyes from the magazine. He fires idly.

CUT TO:

RUSSIAN EMBASSY ROOFTOP

Russians laugh at O.S. GUNFIRE, fire volleys, playfully.

CUT TO:

FRENCH EMBASSY ROOFTOP

French Soldiers playfully fire volleys back.

CUT TO:

EXT. GERMAN EMBASSY ROOFTOP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

GERMAN SOLDIERS join in the gunfire with merry exclamations.

 CUT TO:

EXT. CHINESE EMBASSY ROOFTOP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

O.S. GUNFIRE. The Melanie Marlowe fold-out flies from a pole like a flag. She’s gorgeous. A bullet pierces it. CHINESE SOLDIERS react angrily and start firing.

CUT TO:

EXT. MEXICAN EMBASSY ROOFTOP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

MEXICAN SOLDIERS fire happily. Melanie fold-out waves above them.

CUT TO:

EXT. ARAB EMBASSY ROOFTOP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

ARAB SOLDIERS join in the fun, fire happily. One wraps Melanie magazine around barrel of rifle for luck and fires.

CUT TO:

EXT. U.N. MISSION ROOFTOP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

U.N. SOLDIERS sit politely, not firing. One writes a letter. Another ogles Melanie magazine. O.S. GUNFIRE continues.

A U.N. soldier moves as if to fire. Another cautions him.

A U.N. SOLDIER

Hey, no, we’re here to keep the peace.

CUT TO:

PANORAMIC SHOT FAVORING EMBASSY ROOFTOPS

GUNSHOTS continue. Soldiers whoop and holler.

CUT TO:

THE INTERSECTION

The stalled limo still HONKS; the Sledge Driver prods the ox.

CLOSE ON REFUGEES ON SLEDGE

GRANDMA, teaching a game to CHILDREN, barely looks up at GUNFIRE.

CLOSE ON LIMO

The passenger window rolls down. A top-hatted AMBASSADOR looks out, annoyed, shakes his head. The window goes up.

A stray bullet blows Melanie magazine out of a Soldier’s hands.

U.N. SOLDIER

Okay! E-fuckin’-nough!

He grabs his gun and stands up, ready to fire.

U.N. SOLDIER (cont.)

Let’s play soldier. Here, scum-rag,

Keep a piece of ME!

ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC O.S.

ANOTHER U.N. SOLDIER

Hey, don’t bother. Here’s Tony!

U.N. Soldiers drop everything and lean over sandbags to wave.

U.N. SOLDIERS

Hey, Tony! Tony! Up here!

CUT TO:

INT./EXT. TONY’S JEEP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

CLOSE ON

The back of a moving, open jeep. ROCK ‘N’ ROLL MUSIC blares. Bundles of the Melanie magazines. Boxes of nylons. Cases of brandy. Boxes of candy bars. Other luxury items.

ANGLE ON JEEP’S DRIVER

TONY SUNDAY, 30, a handsome Eurasian in Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses. Tony doesn’t give a shit — That’s how you stay alive in Thainia, buddy. He slaps wheel in time to MUSIC like Tom Cruise. The jeep is painted with psychedelic designs.

Tony hears O.S. GREETINGS FROM SOLDIERS, looks up, waves.

TONY’S POV/U.N. SOLDIERS

U.N. Soldiers laugh with delight. Everybody loves Tony.

TONY

TONY

Don’t jump! These streets are

bad enough!

TONY’S POV/ARAB SOLDIERS

stop shooting, yell at Tony.

ARAB SOLDIER

Yay, Tony-boy, we need new

magazines!

TONY

TONY

Wash the old ones. I’m busy!

QUICK SHOTS OF ALL EMBASSY ROOFTOPS

Soldiers of all nations, wave, make catcalls, give finger to Tony.

TONY

gives the bird right back, and then is distracted by –

TONY’S POV/INTERSECTION

– the roadblock formed by the limo and sledge.

TONY

Honks HORN.

TONY

Hey, let a businessman through!

ANGLE ON LIMO AND SLEDGE

Everybody looks up, waves at oncoming Tony.

LIMO WINDOW

AMBASSADOR

Tony, do you have my brandy?

LIMO DRIVER’S SEAT

DRIVER

You owe me a girl.

SLEDGE

GRANDMA

You got my cigarettes?

KIDS

Tony! Tony! Candy! Candy!

JEEP

slows to a halt.

TONY

Aw, shit.

Tony reaches in box beside him, flings candy to kids.

WIDER ON INTERSECTION

Kids laugh, grab at candy. Tony backs up, drives around limo and sledge, over rubble.

FOLLOW JEEP

Tony gets around gridlock, drops back down to road, turns onto –

EXT. STREET TO OLD AMERICAN EMBASSY – DAY – CONTINUOUS

– a very long, straight street which ends at the Old American Embassy, a large building too far away to see in detail. O.S. HONKING behind Tony. Tony looks in rear-view mirror.

TONY’S POV/REAR-VIEW MIRROR

In mirror, big, beat-up military truck HONKS.

CAB OF TRUCK

A TERRORIST (HAMAN) with Rebel sweat-band and face-paint HONKS and yells:

HAMAN

Hey, Tony, make way!

WIDER ON JEEP AND TRUCK

Truck tailgates Tony. The road’s too narrow for truck to pass Tony. Tony waves some pantyhose boxes.

TONY

Yo, Haman! I got those panty-hose

for your girlfriend!

HAMAN

Give ‘em to your whores! Make way!

I got a time-bomb in here!

TONY

Oh, well, in that case!

Tony veers and parks on rubble to let the truck pass. Haman shouts at Tony as they ride side-by-side.

HAMAN

Get your ass clear, Tony. We

Got nothin’ against you.

TONY

Who in hell is “we?”

Haman sticks his bizarrely-painted face out the window and leers.

TONY

Oh, shit! You went Rebel!

Where in Hell are you headed?

HAMAN

I in Hell am headed for the

American Embassy!

Haman points straight ahead, passes Tony.

TONY’S POV/OLD AMERICAN EMBASSY

Some distance down the rubble-lined street, heavy fencing obscures a large building with NO FLAG.

JEEP

TONY

(alert, upset)

Hey, no!

TONY’S POV/STREET TO OLD AMERICAN EMBASSY

The truck heads for the building.

JEEP

TONY

Hey, no, Haman, don’t!

TONY’S POV/TRUCK FROM REAR

Haman gives Tony the finger.

JEEP

Tony guns his motor and speeds after truck.

WIDER ALONG STREET TO OLD AMERICAN EMBASSY

Tony races, catches up with truck, yells at Haman.

TONY

Hey, no, Haman, don’t do

this!

HAMAN

Go peddle your porn, Tony.

What’re you, takin’ sides all

of a sudden?

TONY

No way! But they moved the

American embassy!

Tony looks ahead, lifts up his sunglasses.

TONY’S POV/MOVING – DOWN STREET TO OLD AMERICAN EMBASSY

The gates of the building, coming nearer, fast.

THE JEEP

Tony screeches to a halt well-short of Embassy, stands in jeep.

THE TRUCK

HAMAN

Say what?

EXT. THE OLD AMERICAN EMBASSY – GATES – DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Truck barges through gates, which collapse like cardboard.

THE JEEP

Tony registers alarm.

EXT. THE OLD AMERICAN EMBASSY – INSIDE GATES -DAY – CONTINUOUS

Truck barges through embassy doors. The embassy collapses around truck like a house of cards, leaving truck trapped in rubble.

CLOSE ON HAMAN

HAMAN

Oh, shit!

BACK TO THE JEEP

Tony shifts gears like crazy and backs away at full speed, looking over his shoulder btu glancing back at -

TONY’S POV/MOVING – THE OLD AMERICAN EMBASSY

Haman sits in truck amidst rubble. Truck explodes with huge BANG! Rubble, truck-parts, and Haman-parts, fill the air.

CUT TO:

INTERSECTION – SLEDGE AND LIMO

Ambassador listens, bored, as Chauffeur argues with Coolie. At O.S. SOUND OF EXPLOSION, they barely glance up, continue arguing.

GRANNY AND KIDS

Granny distributes candy to Kids, glances up at O.S. EXPLOSION. Kids don’t look up at all.

CUT TO:

WIDE SHOT — TWO EMBASSY ROOFTOPS

Explosion debris flies past. Some Soldiers WHOOP AND CHEER.

CUT TO:

JEEP

Tony drives on toward intersection. In b.g., smoking rubble of Old American Embassy. Tony cuts over rubble to avoid limo and sledge. He takes another route, pulls sunglasses over his eyes.

TONY

Fuck. The way we war.

CUT TO:

EXT. THAINIA – AERIAL SHOT – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Tony drives away. PULL BACK to include intersection and smoking rubble of embassy, then all of sprawling Thainia. CAMERA MOVES across Thainia, past a building flying the American flag, to a building flying a flag with comedy and tragedy masks, and STOPS on a close-up of that flag which fills the screen.

TITLE SEQUENCE

ROCK AND ROLL CONTINUES as TITLES appear over comedy and tragedy flag. After titles, CAMERA PANS DOWN to –

EXT. SPECIAL SERVICES BUILDING – ESTABLISHING – DAY – CONTINUOUS

CAMERA PANS DOWN flagpole to REVEAL: U.S. SOLDIERS on rooftop rifle-nest, reading Melanie magazine (one rolls magazine around rifle and mimes masturbation), then big trees (nobody’s bombed here yet) and an undamaged Quonset hut surrounded by the usual barbed wire. Sign over the gate reads “SPECIAL SERVICES,” with comedy and tragedy masks. Crowded inside fencing, a FLEET of M.P. cars, limos, and tanks. END PAN on gate, wide open. At gate, a GUARD-BOOTH. A cheerful GUARD (BUBBA) plays a pocket video-game, blows gum-bubbles. O.S. SOUND of HONKING. Bubba looks up and smiles as –

BUBBA’S POV/TONY IN JEEP

– Tony in jeep arrives at gate. Tony slows down, doesn’t stop.

ANGLE ON GATE – BUBBA AND TONY

BUBBA

Hey, Tony, where in Hell ya been?

TONY

In Hell, Bubba, my boy. Here’s your

bubble-gum.

Tony tosses box of gum to Bubba. Bubba tosses Tony money.

BUBBA

Staff of life.

ANGLE INSIDE FENCE

Tony pulls in, parks beside fleet. ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC STOPS.

SOLDIERS

Hey, Tony! Tony!

Hey, Tone! What blew up?

 TONY

(shrugs)

One more misguided rebel.

SOLDIERS

Hey, Tone. Got any girls?

Got any pot?

A SOLDIER

Got any Chinese-African-Norwegian

redheads with one leg?

Tony gets out of jeep carrying pantyhose box.

TONY

Damn! Just ate my last one.

Soldiers LAUGH. A soldier displays Melanie Marlowe fold-out.

SOLDIER

Hey, Tony, you like that?

 TONY

Best of the west.

Tony slides his sunglasses atop his head, registers the impressive fleet of vehicles.

TONY

What’s all the motor power for?

SOLDIER

Brass wants you to stuff ‘em full

of women!

Soldiers GUFFAW. Another Soldier waves the Melanie foldout.

SOLDIERS

Got any girls like that, Tony?

How much for her, Tone? Can you

get us some stuff like Melanie

Marlowe, Tony?

TONY CROSSING PARKING AREA

Soldier’s VOICES continue OS. Tony ignores them. He runs his hand admiringly along the limousine, walks on to –

FACADE SPECIAL SERVICES BUILDING

Tony mounts steps up to door. On the wall to one side is a large peace-symbol, labeled “PEACE.” On the other side, an upside-down Peace-symbol labeled, “PUSS.” Tony enters -

CUT TO:

INT. SPECIAL SERVICES — HALLWAY — DAY – CONTINUOUS

A hand-made, glittered poster on a wall reads, “WE BRING STARS TO WARS.” PULL BACK to REVEAL A corridor decorated with film posters, lined with desks manned by MALE SECRETARIES, very busy. Tony enters, saunters down corridor.

TONY

(in passing)

Good morning, girls.

SECRETARIES

(in unison)

Fuck you, Tony.

Tony takes this good-naturedly, tosses small box at a SECRETARY.

TONY

Have some panty-hose.

Box flies back at Tony. He dodges. FOLLOW HIM to –

DOOR TO REYNOLDS’ OFFICE

Sign on door: “MAJOR REYNOLDS.” “Reynolds” has been marked out and “OBSTACLE” substituted. Tony smiles and enters –

INT. REYNOLDS’ OFFICE – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Large, messy. Movie posters, file-cabinets. REYNOLDS, 30′s, trim, in neat uniform, sits at desk piled with files and bearing several phones. He’s on phone as Tony enters. Reynolds waves for Tony to sit. Tony sits.

REYNOLDS

(on phone)

Yeah, Jesus, she arrives today. I

need this. The alleged “rebels” are

shelling anything that moves, and I

get a movie-star laid on me. Someone

tried to kidnap Roseanne, what would

they do to a sex-kitten?…What do you

mean, who’d kidnap Roseanne? This is

Thainia [Ty-een-ya]. Could be the rebels, could be the peace-keepers, could be

someone hungry…Sure, I’ll “consider it

a challenge.” So who do you like for the Oscars?…You’re not serious; he didn’t

even take his shirt off. What would he

get an Oscar for, restraint?

DURING THIS SPEECH, Reynolds offers Tony a cigarette. Tony takes Bic lighter from pocket, presses a button, switch-blade pops out. Reynolds tosses cigarette away. Tony retracts blade and puts Bic in shirt-pocket, listens to Reynolds with growing irritation, then takes cellular phone from pocket and punches in a number, unnoticed by Reynolds. One of Reynolds’ PHONES RINGS.

REYNOLDS (Cont’d)

Hold on, that’s the hot-line. I’m ex-

pecting cognac from a busboy at the

French Embassy.

(answers second phone)

Allo. Marcel?

TONY

(into phone)

No, it’s me. I think I can just

barge in here anytime.

REYNOLDS

(into first phone)

I’ll get back to you. It’s the

People’s Pimp.

(hangs up both phones)

Make yourself at home.

The tone is fast, friendly. These two guys are basically in the same business, and recognize and enjoy each other.

TONY

(pocketing phone)

“Make Yourself At Home.” Is that a

masturbation manual?

Reynolds grabs a magazine.

REYNOLDS

All new, all fast, all funny.

How would you like to pick up

a movie star?

TONY

With rubber gloves. Who, where,

when, and how much?

Reynolds unfolds fold-out. Tony takes magazine, examines photos.

REYNOLDS

Melanie Marlowe. The poster girl

for true tits. At Ross Perot Mem-

orial Heliport. In an hour. For a

case of excellent cognac?

TONY

Please. I sell it to Marcel. What

do you say to American money?

REYNOLDS

“Goodbye” when you come in the door.

I could steal five hundred bucks from

the fund for starving orphans. Could

you live with that?

Reynolds takes cash-box from drawer, opens it. Reynolds extends money-clipped wad of money. Tony considers it.

TONY

Sure, I been a starving orphan.

Do I get to drive that limo?

REYNOLDS

In your wet-dreams. The limousine,

with an intelligent driver and an

armed cadre, will be dispatched to

transport Ms. Bosom to the American

Embassy for a tea in her honor.

TONY

Get to the punch-line. My meter’s

running.

Reynolds presses an intercom button, speaks into intercom..

REYNOLDS

Send in the decoy.

(to Tony)

Nothing female is safe in Thainia,

and nothing famous. Slenderella

here –

SOUND of WOLF-WHISTLES O.S.. SOUND of DOOR OPENING behind Tony.

Tony turns. Soldier (CARSTAIRS) enters, disguised convincingly as Melanie, in an attractive cocktail dress, with bag.

REYNOLDS (Cont’d)

– will divert and decoy the troops

of all nations with a Melanie Marlowe

motorcade while you haul the genuine

baggage to the embassy in your incon-

spicuous pimp-mobile.

Tony stands, circles Carstairs. Carstairs strikes Melanie poses.

TONY

And what if they kidnap the Prom

Queen here?

Carstairs draws a big gun from his bag.

CARSTAIRS

I’d like to see them try.

TONY

I bet you would.

(to Reynolds)

What is the purpose of Ms. Marsh-

mallow’s visit to our Tales From

The Crypt theme-park?

REYNOLDS

She’s giving a lecture on brain

surgery. Fool. She’s to entertain

the troops.

TONY

Where do I enlist?

REYNOLDS

You’re untrainable. You’re to look

after her.

TONY

A pleasure. Especially when she’s

walking away.

Tony pinches Carstairs’ ass. Carstairs casually throws Tony to the floor with a martial-arts move. Tony LAUGHS and gets up.

REYNOLDS

(utterly nonplused by the violence)

You are to see that she doesn’t walk away.

TONY

Why me?

REYNOLDS

I trust you. You don’t believe in

anything.

TONY

I believe you said five hundred dollars.

Make that a thousand — a day.

Reynolds gets money, adds it to clip. Tony takes the clip.

REYNOLDS

You’d sell your grandmother.

Tony puts clip into cigarette pack, puts pack in his shirt-pocket, shrugs.

TONY

She sold me first.

REYNOLDS

That’s show business.

(to Carstairs)

Get out of here, Carstairs. You excite

me in that creation.

Reynolds holds door for Carstairs.

CARSTAIRS

You say that when I’m in uniform.

REYNOLDS

Damn. Now Tony knows.

Carstairs stows gun and exits. SOUND of O. S. WHISTLES.

REYNOLDS

(checks his watch)

Get Marlowe to the Embassy. Then get

back here and I’ll fit you with a tux.

Tony walks to door.

TONY

If I have to mix with my betters, my

price goes up.

REYNOLDS

If you give me any trouble, I’ll tell

them you’re a spy.

TONY

I’ll tell Marcel to put laxatives in

your cognac.

REYNOLDS

I’ll hide illegal aliens in your jeep.

TONY

I could use the income. For my

getaway fund.

REYNOLDS

Why would anyone want to leave Thainia?

TONY

To go to Hollywood and meet movie stars.

REYNOLDS

Peace in our time.

TONY

Tea in your honor.

Tony leaves room.

INT. THE CORRIDOR – DAY – CONTINUOUS

As Tony enters corridor, the Secretaries fling a bombardment of crumpled paper and office supplies at him. FOLLOW laughing TONY through this apparently usual gauntlet to the building door -

EXT. THE SPECIAL SERVICES BUILDING – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Tony emerges, laughing. He stops to watch SOLDIERS, BRASS, and BAND (with instruments) enter vehicles. Carstairs enters limo, pops up out of open sun-roof, waves coyly at Tony, sinks out of view.

TONY

Tony lowers his sunglasses, hops into jeep, revs up, and pulls out as the vehicles begin to move. Vehicles form a motorcade with limo in center.

CUT TO:

EXT. A COUNTRY ROAD – DAY – A LITTLE LATER

WIDE SHOT on sky, where vultures circle. PAN DOWN TO dismal countryside. PEASANTS work fields. REFUGEES trudge along one direction. A SOLDIER whose uniform is too mud-spattered to discern his nationality leads a LINE OF CHAINED PRISONERS the opposite way.

CLOSER ON ROAD

SOUND of honking O.S. Refugees and Prisoners barely make way for Motorcade as its impressive vehicles zoom past and go out of frame. O.S. ROCK MUSIC. After motorcade, Tony in jeep bounces through. Peasants, Refugees, Soldier, and Prisoners wave at Tony. Tony waves back, goes out of frame, ROCK MUSIC FADES O.S., and life goes on.

CUT TO:

EXT. HELIPORT – DAY – A LITTLE LATER

WIDE SHOT. A crummy but efficient heliport. Control tower and sheds. Sign reads “ROSS PEROT MEMORIAL HELIPAD. IT JUST DON’T MAKE SENSE!” GUARDS and CREW welcome Motorcade and form it up in a semi-circle around helipad. Tony’s jeep putters past and out of frame behind a shed, playing ROCK MUSIC.

 

EXT. HELIPORT – BEHIND A SHED – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Tony pulls jeep into position behind shed, its right-hand passenger-door toward helipad, hops out. Past the shed WE SEE a good view of the helipad. LANDING CREW scuttles about efficiently in b.g. Tony pulls up top of jeep, rolls up windows, smears them with dirt. Tony finishes preparations, looks around.

TONY’S POV/LANDING CREW MEMBERS

TWO LANDING CREW MEMBERS in overalls, handling big baggage-rack (an upright tall box on wheels), give Tony a conspiratorial high-sign.

TONY

Tony returns high-sign unenergetically, settles down in jeep with driver’s-side door open, turns on a DIFFERENT ROCK SONG. He takes a magazine from glove-compartment, settles back to read.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BEHIND THE SHED – (LATER THAT) DAY

INT./EXT. JEEP

A NEW ROCK SONG plays. CLOSE ON pictures of Hollywood in a magazine. They make it look exotic, beautiful. Palms, the “HOLLYWOOD” sign, cars, starlets. Tony’s hand turns a page.

ANOTHER ANGLE

Tony sits in jeep, sunglasses up, bored, leafs through California magazine. Suddenly SOUNDS OF CHOPPER O.S. Tony turns off ROCK SONG, shoves open front passenger door, and looks out at:

TONY’S POV/THE HELIPAD

Landing Crew galvanized into action.

ANGLE PAST CONTROL TOWER

A big helicopter appears overhead.

ANGLE ON JEEP

Tony comes out of jeep. FOLLOW TONY to a better viewing-site. Baggage-Rack Crew stands by. One Baggage-Rack Crewman gives Tony the high-sign again. Tony flips him the finger and observes:

TONY’S POV/THE HELIPAD

Past a corner of the shed, WE SEE the helipad and the semi-circle of vehicles, the limo down front. No sign of Carstairs. Brass, Officials, and Guards stand ready. O.S. CHOPPER grows louder.

The helicopter descends, making clouds of dust. Landing Crew does its thing. Chopper lands. It’s a biggie. Landing Crew places stairs for passengers to descend. CHOPPER NOISE ends.

CLOSE ON TONY

More excited than he’d like to admit.

TONY’S POV/THE HELIPAD

The door of the chopper opens and MELANIE MARLOWE appears for a brief moment. At this distance and through the dust, we can’t see much but that she’s dressed very much like Carstairs. BAND MUSIC blares. An Officer hands Melanie a bouquet of roses. She takes a step or two down and disappears among her welcomers.

ANGLE BEHIND SHED

Baggage-Rack Crew shoves Tony out of the way and rolls baggage-rack into the crowd. Tony hops in jeep, revs the motor, lowers his sunglasses.

NEW ANGLE ON HELIPAD

We’re behind the crowd. WE CAN SEE the baggage-rack cutting through the crowd on its way back to the shed. Suddenly Carstairs emerges gloriously through the hatch in the roof of the limousine, clutching the bouquet of roses and waving girlishly in time to BAND MUSIC.

BACK BEHIND SHED

Tony revs his motor. He remembers to throw open back right-hand passenger door. [NOTE: front passenger door is already open.]

INT./EXT. JEEP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

TONY’S POV

WE SEE Crew shove baggage-rack to jeep’s passenger door. One Crewman flings luggage in back seat while other flings Melanie out of baggage-rack into front seat, on her knees. She’s gorgeous, disheveled. She gapes at Tony.

MELANIE’S POV/TONY

–in sunglasses, gaping right back. Melanie’s beautiful face reflects in Tony’s glasses. Tony recovers himself, smiles.

TONY

Welcome to Thain.

MELANIE AND TONY

Crewmen slam doors. Melanie reacts.

MELANIE

Who in Hell are you?

TONY

I in Hell am your guide.

Melanie would respond, but Crewman’s face appears at dirty window. Crewman taps on window.

CREWMAN

Take ‘er away, Tone!

Tony grimaces at the nickname. He backs up and turns around, flinging Melanie back in her seat.

MELANIE

Tone?

TONY

Tony Sunday. Transliteration of my

orphanage name, “Thaini San Dei.”

Means, “He who has no name.”

My friends call me, “Bastard.”

THE HELIPORT

WIDE:

Tony’s jeep pulls past the welcoming throng and Carstairs.

CLOSE ON CARSTAIRS

Carstairs, waving, register’s the jeep’s appearance.

CARSTAIRS

(to chauffeur below)

Okay, Barney, let’s get zees

show on ze road.

CARSTAIRS’ POV/BARNEY

BARNEY, chauffeur, tips an amused salute up at

CARSTAIRS

Carstairs blows a kiss at the jeep.

CLOSE ON WINDOW OF JEEP

Melanie’s face, blurrily seen through the dirty glass as she sees Carstairs. Carstairs reflects in window. Moving along road from heliport, jeep speeds up fast. Melanie turns away from the window.

MELANIE

Who in Hell is THAT?

TONY

That in Hell is a brave soldier

covering your ass. Weren’t

you briefed?

MELANIE

(angrily)

I wouldn’t have agreed to that.

I thought I was going to

be kidnapped by rebels.

TONY

Not on our first date.

MELANIE

(suddenly “silly”)

So! Where are big, handsome you

taking li’l ol’ me?

TONY

To the American Embassy. They’re

holding a tea in your honor.

MELANIE

So that’s where my honor went.

(realization)

Shit! The Embassy! Where’s my gold lame?

Melanie flings herself over the seat, rummages through luggage. Tony gets a fantastic view of Melanie’s famous ass.

TONY

Fasten your safety-belt.

Melanie comes back, clutching a gown.

MELANIE

Sugar, my gold lame IS my safety-belt.

Slow down. They can’t start without me.

Melanie starts undressing, unembarrassed and professional. Tony reacts by losing control of the jeep momentarily.

CUT TO:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Jeep veers crazily, rights itself, goes out of frame. A CROWD begins to appear along both sides of road, of Peasants, Refugees, Soldiers, and OTHERS TO BE DESCRIBED. Ignoring the jeep, they look the opposite way, waiting for the motorcade.

 

CUT TO:

EXT. THE HELIPORT – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Wide shot. The Motorcade pulls out slowly. Carstairs clutches roses with one hand, waves with the other. BAND PLAYS.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROAD TO THAINIA – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Tony’s jeep going much faster than motorcade barrels along road lined by Crowd.

INT./EXT. THE JEEP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

[NOTE: Until arrival at Embassy, Melanie continues changing.]

MELANIE

Can you see through that window?

TONY

I know every bump and hollow.

Tony, distracted, looks at her “bumps and hollows” as Melanie strips. Jeep hits a bump or hollow, jarring them both.

TONY

That’s one right there.

MELANIE

So you’re a native?

TONY

I’m the result of ten centuries

of military rape. I’m a native of

every country that ever fucked Thain.

MELANIE

Registers this seriously. Quickly looks out window.

MELANIE’S POV/ROADSIDE

The Crowd along the roadside, looking for the motorcade.

IN THE JEEP

MELANIE

You don’t look much like the characters

lining the road. Who are they?

TONY

Don’t you watch educational television?

MELANIE

Empty-headed actress. Fill ‘er up.

TONY

Okay.

(enjoying himself)

Thain was once inhabited by

tiny little people called Flahvans –

BEGIN INTERCUT AMONG

(A) Tony and Melanie speeding in the jeep,

(B) The Motorcade, featuring Carstairs, tooling along,

(C) Appropriate CROWD MEMBERS along the roadside, and

(D) Rebels skulking behind CROWD.

 

INTERCUT WITH

EXT. THE ROADSIDE – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Appropriate tiny peasants (FLAHVANS) waving at Motorcade.

INTERCUT WITH

IN THE JEEP

TONY (Cont’d)

– who were conquered by larger

people called “Thainese” –

INTERCUT WITH

THE ROADSIDE

Larger THAINESE, looking more prosperous, waving at Motorcade.

INTERCUT WITH

THE MOTORCADE

Carstairs waves benevolently, smells roses. He’s enjoying this.

INTERCUT WITH

IN THE JEEP

Melanie, dressing, is intensely interested in Tony’s history.

TONY (cont’d)

– who did well as pirates and smugglers until they heard that some nice people to their north, the Celestos –

INTERCUT WITH

THE ROADSIDE

CELESTOS, even larger and more prosperous, wave at Motorcade.

INTERCUT WITH

IN THE JEEP

Melanie listens to Tony intently while dressing and painting. Tony is enjoying himself very much.

TONY (Cont’d)

– had been thrown out of their homes

by some bullies called the Namanians.

The Thainese thought it was awful not

to have a home, so they invited the

Celestos in to learn piracy and smuggling.

MELANIE

Decent of them.

TONY

But the Celestos used Thain as a base to

mount attacks against the Namanians.

MELANIE

So the Namanians invaded Thain.

INTERCUT WITH

THE ROADSIDE

Big, burly NAMANIANS shove others aside to wave at the Motorcade.

INTERCUT WITH

IN THE JEEP

TONY

Bingo. Moral: Never do anything

for anybody.

MELANIE

Tell me. I did one socially-conscious

movie and my pin-ups fell off the walls.

TONY

They’re back up since you posed nude.

MELANIE

While I still can. Tell more.

TONY

While I still can. So, okay, so the

Namanians made slaves of everybody

and found tungsten in them there hills,

so the tungsten-hungry Chinese decided to

come restore liberty –

INTERCUT WITH

THE ROADSIDE

CHINESE with SERVANTS observe the Motorcade.

INTERCUT WITH

THE MOTORCADE/CARSTAIRS

Carstairs is getting a little fed-up with this waving bit.

INTERCUT WITH

IN THE JEEP

TONY

– and the French decided to restore

democracy –

INTERCUT WITH

THE CROWD

FRENCH and other EUROPEANS appear, waving at the motorcade.

TONY (VO)

– then most of Europe remembered

ancestral claims in the area.

Then, of course, America took turns

supporting each of the colonial powers.

AMERICAN BUSINESSMEN, DIPLOMATS, and SOLDIERS appear in the Crowd.

INTERCUT WITH

IN THE JEEP

MELANIE

It makes Bosnia-Herzegovina

sound like a panty-raid. So who’s

fighting who?

TONY

Everybody is fighting everybody.

But they’re also all in league with each other. Everyone who dies in Thain dies

from friendly fire.

MELANIE

So it’s settled into a congenitally

violent balance of power like Lebanon.

Or the Mid-east. Or Central America.

South America. Belfast. Everywhere.

Tony gapes. Melanie realizes her slip, becomes “empty-headed.”

MELANIE (Cont’d)

I do a lot of location shooting.

TONY

Yeah. Well, so power was balanced.

Until the rebels appeared.

 

ADD TO INTERCUT

EXT. BEHIND THE CROWD – DAY – CONTINUOUS

A REBEL LEADER — really ugly, bristling with weapons –, with the head-dress and face-paint Haman wore, runs skulking low behind the Crowd. ANOTHER REBEL appears out of bushes and joins him. [NOTE: Rebels are of all races.]

INTERCUT WITH

MELANIE

(carefully)

You don’t like the rebels?

TONY

(not noticing her care)

Why wouldn’t I? They buy dope and

cognac like everybody else.

MELANIE

Who do you think they are?

TONY

Dumb fucks from all over.

Somebody stirred ‘em up.

Nobody knows who.

INTERCUT WITH

BEHIND THE CROWD/REBELS

The REBELS continue running along behind the Crowd. MORE join the LEADER, all armed, in identifying head-dress and face-paint.

INTERCUT WITH

IN THE JEEP

TONY (Cont’d)

Hell, even some half-breed bastards

like me have joined up.

MELANIE

(registers this strongly)

But you wouldn’t?

TONY

Who do you think you’re talking to?

MELANIE

I’d like to know.

TONY

I’m everybody’s buddy.

MELANIE

You don’t take sides?

TONY

I do my job.

MELANIE

Which you see as..?

TONY

Right now, protecting you from

military rape.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE ROAD – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Jeep speeds past the Crowd. Crowd cheers oncoming Motorcade.

INTERCUT WITH

THE MOTORCADE/CARSTAIRS

Carstairs waves, registers cramp, and switches roses to other arm so he can use the other hand to wave. He mutters to driver below:

CARSTAIRS

Barney, this is getting old. Let’s

get this show off the road.

CARSTAIRS’ POV/LOOKING DOWN

In the limo, at Carstairs’ feet, driver BARNEY looks up, sees up Carstairs’ dress, looks down with a red face.

INTERCUT WITH

BEHIND THE CROWD/REBELS

There’s more Rebels. They catch up with the limo (seen over the heads of The Crowd). Rebel Leader gives a terrifying WAR-WHOOP and the Rebels break through the Crowd, firing GUNS.

CUT TO:

CARSTAIRS

CARSTAIRS

Autograph hounds! Floorboard

it, Barney!…Barney?

CARSTAIRS’ POV/LOOKING DOWN

At Carstairs’ feet, BARNEY lies dead at the wheel, a bloody mess.

WIDER – LIMO AND ADJACENT VEHICLES

Limo slides to a halt. Car behind it slams into it. Soldiers open fire on Rebels. Rebels storm Motorcade. Crowd flees among GUNSHOTS, SCREAMS, and CRIES. Carstairs stands exposed.

REBEL LEADER

FOLLOW HIM through melee to limo. He hops on trunk.

CARSTAIRS

hears O.S. THUMP of Leader hitting trunk. Turns to see as –

CARSTAIRS’ POV/TRUNK OF LIMO

– Rebel Leader, on trunk, gun in hand, reaches out with free hand.

REBEL LEADER

Come on! Come on! Hurry!

CARSTAIRS

blinks, but recovers quickly. He extends his hand, and –

CARSTAIRS’ POV/TRUNK OF LIMO

– the Rebel Leader winces as Carstairs grips his wrist firmly.

REBEL LEADER’S POV/CARSTAIRS

Carstairs draws gun from among roses, aims at Leader.

CARSTAIRS

Don’t rain on my parade.

REBEL LEADER

–looks astonished.

REBEL LEADER’S POV/CARSTAIRS

Carstairs fires point-blank in Rebel Leader’s face.

REBEL LEADER

Face a bloody mess, Rebel Leader rolls from car to road.

CARSTAIRS

CARSTAIRS

I said, “No autographs.”

Carstairs blows in barrel like a cowboy, turns to shoot more.

END INTERCUT

INT./EXT. THE JEEP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

MELANIE

(of O.S. gunfire)

What’s that?

TONY

Location shooting?

MELANIE

Quit joking!

TONY

Must be senseless slaughter then!

Melanie frantically opens window.

MELANIE

Innocent people may be killed!

Tony frantically closes her window while steering with one hand.

TONY

Here we call them

“target practice.”

MELANIE

Don’t you care?

TONY

Care in one hand, bleed in the other,

see which gets full first.

MELANIE

This is your country!

TONY

Don’t call it that.

MELANIE

What should I call it?

TONY

(controlling anger)

The Flahvans call it “Flahvania.”

The Thainese call it “Thain.”

The English call it “Tyne.’

The Americans call it “Tiny.”

MELANIE

What do YOU call it?

Tony shrieks to a jarring halt, angrily flings top of jeep back.

EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF THAINIA – DAY – CONTINUOUS

The jeep sits amidst rubble. It’s shocking. Melanie gasps.

TONY

I call it “gravel.”

Tony hops out and indicates rubble like a tourist guide. CAMERA PANS AROUND THE JEEP, revealing the devastation to Melanie.

ANGLE ON JEEP

From front. Melanie surveys the horror.

TONY

Welcome to my world?

MELANIE

This can’t go on!

TONY

That’s why we have Peacekeepers.

As Tony hops back into jeep, he picks up stone, hands it to her.

TONY (Cont’d)

Want a piece to keep?

Melanie angrily throws the stone away. Tony with cold efficiency flings the jeep top back up, and drives on.

CUT TO:

INT./EXT. THE JEEP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Tony drives on, coldly angry. Melanie professionally repairs her appearance, but, though shaken, refuses to end the discussion.

MELANIE

Unforgivable things have been

done to your country.

TONY

To my country, by my country, for

my country, against my country…

Tony rubs futilely at the dirty glass, shoves his sunglasses up.

MELANIE

Don’t you even wonder why?

TONY

I know why. The East wants slaves,

the West wants tungsten, the locals

want blood, and the C.I.A. wants the

U.N. to keep the franchise open so it

can sell weapons to everybody.

MELANIE

Cynicism is not enough. You have

to take a side!

TONY

(blinks at her tone)

I don’t take sides. I take bets.

MELANIE

If everyone was on one side, the war

would be over!

TONY

If nobody took any side, there

wouldn’t BE a war.

MELANIE

You don’t believe there IS a just side?

TONY

There’s just suicide! I thought you were supposed to be empty-headed.

MELANIE

Ya pick things up.

TONY

I’ll say I do. What’s happened?

Did the bleach get to your brain?

MELANIE

Sarcasm and sophistication are counter-

effective. Alienated intellectuals like

you definitely prolong the conflict!

Tony screeches the to a halt, turns to face her. WE CAN’T SEE what’s outside. He’s scary. Melanie backs away. Behind her, faces press against jeep window.

TONY

I doubt seriously that the conflict will be appreciably foreshortened by adrenalin- building boob-bunnies trying to jump-start

stalled careers by dropping in to cock-

tease the troops!

Tony reaches forward as if to attack Melanie. She cringes. He just smiles and opens her door. Melanie turns confused to see –

MELANIE’S POV/AMERICAN AMBASSADOR

–beams at Melanie. Behind him, a CROWD.

AMBASSADOR

Welcome to Thainia, Ms. Marlowe.

MELANIE

Turns back to –

TONY

TONY

(evil grin)

It’s show-time!

Whatever Melanie might reply is drowned out by sudden BAND MUSIC.

CUT TO:

EXT. AMERICAN EMBASSY – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Passenger door of jeep. Ambassador helps Melanie out of jeep onto a vivid stretch of red carpet that leads through OFFICIALS, GUARDS, MILITARY, WELL-DRESSED WOMEN, REPORTERS, and PHOTOGRAPHERS. All APPLAUD. BAND PLAYS.

CUT TO:

INT./EXT. JEEP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Tony, fuming, watches Melanie’s reception.

TONY’S POV/JEEP PASSENGER-SIDE DOOR

WE SEE Melanie’s gold-lame ass framed in the door.

TONY

flips sunglasses down. Melanie’s ass reflects in both lenses.

 

CUT TO:

EXT. EMBASSY – DAY – CONTINUOUS

TIGHT ON MELANIE

Melanie, standing beside jeep, is led forward hand-in-hand by Ambassador. She beams as Ambassador presents dignitaries.

Melanie LEAVES FRAME TO REVEAL Tony leaning out of passenger door to watch the spectacle. Guards open back doors of jeep and take Melanie’s luggage. Tony comes to. He slams passenger door.

MELANIE

Melanie amidst Dignitaries smiles for photographers. MUSIC makes everything inaudible except JEEP DOOR SLAMMING. Flashbulbs pop.

Ambassador leads Melanie forward. Crowd closes behind her, hiding jeep. But Melanie and WE CAN HEAR Tony’s JEEP STARTING.

Melanie is led up steps onto porch of Embassy. She turns to see –

MELANIE’S POV/OVER HEADS OF CROWD

Tony’s jeep starts away down street.

MELANIE

registers sadness, then turns back to see –

MELANIE’S POV/EMBASSY STEPS

– GENERAL CHIANG at top of Embassy Steps. Chiang is a smooth Asian customer, in Thainian uniform with many medals.

MELANIE

Melanie averts her face from Chiang and “tweetily” shakes hands with Dignitaries. With Ambassador, she ascends steps.

AMBASSADOR(O.S.)

..the President of Thain,

General Chiang.

JUMP-CUT BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN

(1) Melanie’s expression as she obviously recognizes Chiang.

(2) Chiang’s expression as he gives a cautioning look.

MELANIE

(faking not-hearing)

I’m so sorry. President who?

(3) Chiang’s approving expression.

END JUMP-CUTS

WIDER REVERSE SHOT – EMBASSY STEPS

Melanie’s back. She moves on with Ambassador into Embassy.

LINGER ON

Chiang observing her entrance. He steps forward into Embassy.

CUT TO:

ANGLE OVER CROWD/STREET

Chiang’s conspiratorially-smiling face LEAVES FRAME to REVEAL Crowd and street. OVER heads of Crowd surging slowly forward into Embassy, WE SEE Tony’s jeep zoom away down the street.

CROSS_FADE TO:

EXT. SPECIAL SERVICES BUILDING – DAY – (A LITTLE) LATER

WIDE ON GATE, YARD, STEPS

Guard-post deserted. Massed Motorcade vehicles, some damaged. Bubba and some Guards, Motorcade Soldiers (some bandaged), and Secretaries sit on vehicles and gossip. Tony pulls in, parks, leaves jeep, walks through yard.

TONY

registers bullet holes and blood on vehicles, listens to

GOSSIPING SOLDIERS

A WOUNDED SOLDIER

Those fuckin’ rebels were fuckin’ all

over us, man! Like fuckin’ great planning!

A SECRETARY

You think somebody tipped them off?

A SOLDIER

Duh!

Bubba breaks big bubble.

A SOLDIER

Hey, Tony!

ALL SOLDIERS

Hi, Tony!

TONY

waves vestigially.

SOLDIERS

return to gossip.

WOUNDED SOLDIER

But you shoulda seen the way they went

for Carstairs, man! Like a fuckin’ magnet!

TONY

registers this, leaves jeep, heads up stairs into building.

SOLDIERS (Cont’d O.S.)

So do you think you actually killed

somebody? Do you think they’ll give

you a medal? Did any of the brass

get hit? Was any media there? Maybe

you’ll get on the news! Wow!

O.S. SOUND of Bubba bursting a bubble.

CUT TO:

INT. SPECIAL SERVICES – CORRIDOR – DAY – CONTINUOUS

Tony enters. Clustered Secretaries gossip.

SECRETARIES (variously)

Shit, this’ll be another black

mark for Special Services security.

Please, this is Thainia. Everybody

knows if anybody has a wet dream.

TONY

Hi, girls.

Secretaries, annoyed, glance at Tony. One turns and punches Tony through a curtained doorway. Secretaries continue gossiping.

A SECRETARY

Carstairs will probably get a

merit badge.

CUT TO:

INT. WARDROBE ROOM – DAY – CONTINUOUS

A cramped large closet with tiers of costumes hung on racks, stacked boxes, bales, etc. Tony falls through curtain onto floor. Carstairs sits on a box with his “Melanie” dress peeled down. He swigs booze from a bottle. Reynolds doctors Carstairs’ cuts and bruises. They barely turn to notice Tony.

REYNOLDS

Hi, Tony.

(to Carstairs)

So what happened then?

CARSTAIRS

So this mean-faced fucker, I mean

we’re talkin’ gap-tooth city, man,

comes crawlin’ right the fuck up the

trunk and fuckin’ sticks out his

fuckin’ hand like he was the fuckin’

welcomin’ committee and fuckin’ says,

“Come on! Come on!” like we fuckin’

had a fuckin’ date, man!

REYNOLDS

You have to be shitting moi.

TONY

(painfully getting up)

Reynolds –

REYNOLDS

Take off your clothes, Tony.

(to Carstairs)

Like he expected you to go with him?

(to Tony)

There’s your tux.

(to Carstairs)

And you did what?

Tony sees tux on hanger, starts peeling, listens in puzzlement.

CARSTAIRS

I did what? I fuckin’ grabbed his arm

like it was my fuckin’ dick, man, and

pulled my fuckin’ rod out of my fuckin’

roses, and fuckin’ blew his fuckin’ face

away right between his fuckin’ teeth is

what I fuckin’ did!

REYNOLDS

“Man.”

CARSTAIRS

Man!

CLOSE IN on Tony, undressing and pondering.

CUT TO:

INT. REYNOLDS’ OFFICE – DAY – LATER

Tony almost dressed, tie not yet tied, sulking. Reynolds helps Tony into jacket.

REYNOLDS

So what’s she fuckin’ like?

Pardon me. So what’s she like?

TONY

First-class cunt.

REYNOLDS

For a living. What’s her essence?

TONY

Stupid movie star.

Tony transfers cigarettes containing money-clip into a tux pocket. Reynolds ties Tony’s bow-tie.

REYNOLDS

Second generation.

TONY

So it’s genetic?

REYNOLDS

So did you get a hand-job?

TONY

I got jerked-off. It’s not

the same thing.

REYNOLDS

So is she as beautiful close-up?

TONY

(trying to convince himself)

If you get close, you can see right

through her. She’s that shallow.

CUT TO:

INT. AMERICAN EMBASSY – BALLROOM – NIGHT – LATER

BIG CLOSE UP — MELANIE

– shallow indeed, giggling like Jayne Mansfield. COCKTAIL MUSIC.

MELANIE

Oh, stop about the war! It’s all

so ugly! Tell me I’m pretty!

WIDER TO REVEAL

Large elegant room. Fancy decor. Melanie, now barely in a gown that hangs from her nipples, holds court among swarm of MEN in uniforms and tuxes, including FRENCH AMBASSADOR with monocle.

FRENCH AMBASSADOR

My dear, you are more beautiful

than twin rainbows over Paris.

MELANIE

Oh, I bet you say that to all

the stars!

ANGLE ACROSS ROOM

Many NEGLECTED WIVES sit around the perimeter of the ballroom, hating Melanie, drinking too much. Melanie’s LAUGHTER O.S.. A WIFE hails a WAITER, gives him an empty glass, takes two full ones. FOLLOW WAITER to Chiang, leaning in a corner, the only man not with Melanie. Chiang refuses drink, watching –

MELANIE AND MEN

Melanie, laughing, becomes aware of Chiang’s scrutiny and quickly turns her attention back to Men. She grabs French Ambassador’s monocle and squints it into place in her own eye.

MELANIE

Any of you liars see any good

movies lately? Or only mine?

FRENCH AMBASSADOR

Oh, indeed, Mademoiselle Marlowe –

MELANIE

Please — “Melanie!”

FRENCH AMBASSADOR

Ah, I would do anything to please Melanie.

MELANIE

Oh? Would you kiss your wife?

Men LAUGH. Melanie covertly looks for Chiang.

MELANIE’S POV/WALL

The wall where Chiang stood. Chiang’s not there.

MELANIE

scans the room for Chiang while perfunctorily teasing the Men.

RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR

I protest I have seen all your films.

MELANIE

(hands monocle back to Ambassador)

That’s something to protest, all right.

RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR

I most enjoyed “Bawdy Blossoms.”

MELANIE’S POV/SCAN ROOM

–including foyer where entering GUESTS undergo an elaborate screening (TO BE DESCRIBED LATER), BAND, bar, etc.

MEN (Cont’d, O.S.)

Oh, no, I prefer “Her Hottest Night.” “Seven Lively Sins.” “Joyce of the Jungle.” The one where the Marines stole all your underwear. Where the cowboys held her hostage. Where the princess pretended to be a stripper. What was the name of that one?

Melanie locates Chiang, discreetly nearer to her than before.

MELANIE

shrugs helplessly in Chiang’s direction, indicating the Men.

CHIANG

calmly looks away.

MELANIE AND MEN

MELANIE

(supplies title)

“She Shifts Her Background.”

Melanie demonstrates “shifting her background.” Men LAUGH. Melanie stares at Men in near-disbelief, then snaps back into her empty-headed act and GIGGLES along.

CUT TO:

INT. THE ENTRANCE FOYER – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

DOORBELL RINGS. A MAJOR-DOMO admits GUESTS. Guests submit invitations, Major-Domo announces them.

MAJOR-DOMO

Your card, sir?….The Ambassador

and Ambassadrix of Iceland.

American Ambassador comes into frame to welcome Guests.

AMERICAN AMBASSADOR

Good evening, your excellencies.

This way to security, please.

FOLLOW American Ambassador as he escorts Guests to

A FOYER CORNER – SEARCHING STATION

where AMERICAN SOLDIERS flank a BUTLER and MAID who finish frisking respectively a Male and Female Guest in exotic finery. A waiting Couple in yet more exotic costume steps forward to be frisked. First Couple strolls off to party. Icelandic Couple wait their turn. Guests are used to this. O.S. DOORBELL RINGS.

MAJOR-DOMO (O.S.)

Your card, sir?…The Ambassador

and Ambassadrix of Uruguay.

AMERICAN AMBASSADOR

(to Icelandic Couple)

Enjoy yourselves.

FOLLOW American Ambassador back to

ENTRANCE FOYER

Where Uruguayan Couple wait. American Ambassador greets them.

AMERICAN AMBASSADOR

Good evening, your excellencies.

This way to security, please.

He ushers Uruguayan Couple away as DOORBELL RINGS. Major-Domo opens door to let in Tony, looking stunning in full evening-dress.

MAJOR-DOMO

Your card, sir? Oh, hi, Tony.

TONY

How’s the wife, Jake?

MAJOR-DOMO

Which one?

(to a NEW COUPLE)

Your card, sir?

FOLLOW TONY past searching-station.

MALE FRISKER

Hi, Tony.

FEMALE FRISKER

(with a familiar wink)

Hey, Tone.

Soldiers at attention and Couple waiting nod to Tony. Couple being frisked, arms in air, look over their shoulders.

MALE FRISKEE

Looking good, Tony.

FEMALE FRISKEE

Tony! You don’t dress like that for me!

Female Frisker registers this and turns her around roughly. Tony gives them a collective grin-and-wave. FOLLOW TONY INTO

THE BALLROOM

Tony looks for, and SEES

MELANIE AND MEN

Melanie is giggling.

TONY

registers displeasure at this. DIGNIFIED MAN approaches Tony.

DIGNIFIED MAN

Tony, where are my Girl Scout uniforms?

TONY

I have to wait till someone orders

Girl Scouts –

MELANIE

sees Tony and stands on tiptoe to yell

MELANIE

Tony! Here! I’m in here!

TONY AND DIGNIFIED MAN

TONY

There’s one now. See ya.

DIGNIFIED MAN

(man-to-man)

Take your time.

Tony moves through Guests toward

MELANIE AMONG MEN

Melanie’s relieved and thrilled to see Tony. Men are annoyed.

MELANIE

Oooooh! Here comes my bodyguard!

CHIANG

Registers this.

MELANIE

Nods at Chiang, indicating Tony.

CHIANG

Nods.

MELANIE

Do you men think this body needs guarding?

TONY

elbows his way through laughing Men. Melanie embraces Tony.

MELANIE

Oh, Tony!

TONY

What in Hell are you doing?

MELANIE

I in Hell am playing movie star.

Get me out of this?

Melanie clutches Tony’s arm and starts through Men.

MELANIE (Cont’d)

I’m sorry, fellas. Tony wants

me all for his ownsome. Wife-break!

FOLLOW TONY AND MELANIE through reluctantly-parting Men.

QUICK SHOTS OF

Men and Wives react to this juicy item (Some jealous Wives grab drinks from passing butler). Chiang coolly absorbs information.

TONY AND MELANIE

FOLLOW Tony and Melanie to a neutral corner.

MELANIE

We have to talk.

TONY

Gee, you can walk and talk at

the same time.

MELANIE

(searching his eyes)

Tony, what’s wrong?

TONY

Did you hear what happened on the road?

MELANIE

Yes.

TONY

People were hurt. People were killed.

MELANIE

I thought around here that’s like

saying the sun rose.

TONY

You adjust fast.

MELANIE

You’re my role model.

(sincerely)

Look, of course I’m appalled at what

happened to those people — on both sides.

I’m just supposed to be silly and tweety

at these things, okay?

TONY

Just doing your job?

MELANIE

I always do my job –

(meaningfully)

If I know what it is.

TONY

What’s up your ass?

MELANIE

My vibrator. Can’t tweet without it.

(trying to be serious)

Look, you know everybody here. I want

you to find out something for me.

TONY

The ladies’ room is over there.

INSERT

– Melanie’s high heel grinds into Tony’s instep, hard.

TONY AND MELANIE

Tony grimaces in pain. Melanie glowers at him, smiles “tweety.”

TONY

Of course, if you’d prefer the men’s –

MELANIE

I’d prefer to know when and where I’m

appearing?

TONY

What’s it to you?

MELANIE

I have a right to know.

TONY

It’s kept secret to protect you.

MELANIE

Tell me the secret. I’ll protect you.

TONY

You’re due at the Looing-Fo Replacement

Base at eleven-hundred hours tomorrow, okay? Can you get off my foot now?

MELANIE

Looing-Fo — ?

TONY

Replacement Base, yes.

MELANIE

Eleven hundred hours.

(sudden “boob bunny”)

That’s a long show!

(interested)

And how did you know?

TONY

Thain is the world’s biggest grapevine.

Everybody knows everything.

MELANIE

Then why didn’t I?

TONY

Yours is not just any body.

MELANIE

(beginning to burn)

Keeping me under wraps, are they?

TONY

(of her dress)

More than you are. Look, you could

get grabbed like a dime on the street.

MELANIE

Well, it’s nice to know my street value.

Those chauvinist sons-of-bitches.

TONY

Don’t talk like that. I told you,

Thain is an echo chamber. Information

spreads faster than clap.

MELANIE

(ready for fun)

Oh, it does? Does it really? It

really does? Let’s us see now!

Melanie, suddenly tweety, grabs drinks from Waiters, shams drunk.

MELANIE (Cont’d)

(shouts)

Hey, everybody! Here! Here!

THE GUESTS

Melanie’s shout gets Guest’s attention, as if she didn’t have it.

MELANIE AND TONY

Melanie moves out among Guests. Tony stands stunned, then claws through Guests to Melanie.

MELANIE (Cont’d)

Did you hear that this handsome devil

Is my new fortune-cookie? Why didn’t

somebody tell me that Eurasians are the

best boys in captivity? I guess they

get the best of both hemispheres, huh?

(shaking her own “hemispheres”)

Oooooh, what has Melanie said now?

I’m just dying to get him alone in the

jungle at –

(doubles her volume)

– LOOING-FO! So he can go ape, man!

CORNER FEATURING CHIANG

Guests gape at Melanie. Chiang listens attentively.

TONY AND MELANIE

Tony reaches Melanie, would grab her, but a Man stops him.

MAN

Fringe benefits, Tony?

Tony shakes Man off and starts after Melanie. A Woman stops Tony.

WOMAN

You never answer my calls, Tony.

Tony shrugs and gets away.

TONY’S POV/MELANIE

–dancing drunkenly, maneuvers near Chiang’s corner.

MELANIE

I mean, usually I’m lucky if they

have hot water where I entertain.

But Tony is boiling!

Tony, “boiling” indeed, reaches Melanie.

MELANIE (Cont’d)

In fact, he’s just what I’ve been

“LOOING FO” all my life!

Melanie throws her arms around Tony.

ANGLE OVER TONY’S SHOULDER

MELANIE (Cont’d)

Oooooh, I could hug him for eleven

hundred hours!

Melanie looks questioningly at Chiang.

CHIANG

Gives a curt nod.

TONY AND MELANIE

Tony grabs Melanie with both hands and starts dragging her away.

TONY

(between clinched teeth)

You keep behaving like this, I’ll

never fuck you again.

MELANIE

(similarly)

Like you had a Chinaman’s chance.

(loudly to all)

I told him, “No, no!” but he thought

a double negative meant, “Yes!”

FOLLOW TONY AND MELANIE as he bodily propels her through Guests to

ENTRANCE FOYER

where Tony seizes Melanie’s wrap from the nonplused Jake and drags her through the door. Melanie pokes her head back in briefly.

MELANIE

Thanks for having me. I adore being had.

Tony’s arm appears from outside and snatches Melanie away.

ANGLE ON GUESTS

Guests stare stupidly for a moment, then all become wildly animated and chatter, except for the stark-still Chiang.

CUT TO:

EXT. AMERICAN EMBASSY – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

In light from the open Embassy door, Tony, clawing car-keys from his pocket with free hand, drags Melanie, flailing her wrap, down the steps past astonished GUARDS. [NOTE: There are no exterior lights.]

MELANIE

Okay, okay, enough. Don’t be rough.

Guard gasps at Melanie, then remembers himself, shouts.

GUARD

Jake, kill that light!

Jake slams Embassy door with a BANG!

FOLLOW TONY AND MELANIE

to jeep, top up. Tony kicks door open, flings Melanie in, leaps over hood, gets in, reaches across, slams her door, takes off down totally dark street with his door open, slams it in transit.

MELANIE

Where are you taking me?

TONY

Where you belong. To a kennel!

MELANIE

You’re hurting me!

TONY

I feel your pain.

CUT TO:

INT./EXT./ TONY’S JEEP – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

Tony races hell-for-leather, no lights. Melanie wrestles wrap.

MELANIE

Oh, take a joke.

TONY

You foreign fuck!

MELANIE

I’ve made you famous.

TONY

I’ll make you scream!

MELANIE

Don’t believe your own publicity.

INSERT

Tony’s hand switches on car’s lights.

INT./EXT. THE JEEP – DAY – CONTINUOUS

ANGLE ON TONY

THE WAY WE WAR – Part 2 of 3

http://robertpatrickpersonal.wordpress.com/2009/07/13/screenplay-the-way-we-war-by-robert-patrick-part-2-of-3/