THE WAY WE WAR
an original screenplay
for Brian Perko
1837 N. Alexandria Ave.
L.A. CA 90027
THE WAY WE WAR
Outskirts of a large Asian city, mostly bombed to rubble. Here and there a few LARGE BUILDINGS (Embassies) remain. They have on their roofs RIFLE NESTS and FLAGS OF VARIOUS NATIONS. [NOTE: Not American.] One middle-distance building has no rifle-nest and no flag. [NOTE: It will turn out to be the abandoned American Embassy.]
Then: “….AND YESTERDAY…”
Then: “…AND PROBABLY TOMORROW.”
Then: “GET IT?” CUT TO:
Fortified. French flag. FRENCH SOLDIERS ogle French edition of magazine. O.S. GUNFIRE. A bullet hits flagpole with a PING! French Soldier looks up, annoyed, returns to magazine. Another O.S. GUNSHOT makes a sandbag leak. A French Soldier raises his rifle, but not his eyes from the magazine. He fires idly.
Russians laugh at O.S. GUNFIRE, fire volleys, playfully.
French Soldiers playfully fire volleys back.
GERMAN SOLDIERS join in the gunfire with merry exclamations.
O.S. GUNFIRE. The Melanie Marlowe fold-out flies from a pole like a flag. She’s gorgeous. A bullet pierces it. CHINESE SOLDIERS react angrily and start firing.
MEXICAN SOLDIERS fire happily. Melanie fold-out waves above them.
ARAB SOLDIERS join in the fun, fire happily. One wraps Melanie magazine around barrel of rifle for luck and fires.
U.N. SOLDIERS sit politely, not firing. One writes a letter. Another ogles Melanie magazine. O.S. GUNFIRE continues.
A U.N. soldier moves as if to fire. Another cautions him.
A U.N. SOLDIER
Hey, no, we’re here to keep the peace.
GUNSHOTS continue. Soldiers whoop and holler.
The stalled limo still HONKS; the Sledge Driver prods the ox.
A stray bullet blows Melanie magazine out of a Soldier’s hands.
He grabs his gun and stands up, ready to fire.
U.N. SOLDIER (cont.)
Let’s play soldier. Here, scum-rag,
Keep a piece of ME!
ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC O.S.
ANOTHER U.N. SOLDIER
Hey, don’t bother. Here’s Tony!
U.N. Soldiers drop everything and lean over sandbags to wave.
Hey, Tony! Tony! Up here!
Tony hears O.S. GREETINGS FROM SOLDIERS, looks up, waves.
Don’t jump! These streets are
Yay, Tony-boy, we need new
Wash the old ones. I’m busy!
Hey, let a businessman through!
Tony, do you have my brandy?
You owe me a girl.
You got my cigarettes?
Tony! Tony! Candy! Candy!
Tony reaches in box beside him, flings candy to kids.
Hey, Tony, make way!
Yo, Haman! I got those panty-hose
for your girlfriend!
Give ’em to your whores! Make way!
I got a time-bomb in here!
Oh, well, in that case!
Tony veers and parks on rubble to let the truck pass. Haman shouts at Tony as they ride side-by-side.
Get your ass clear, Tony. We
Got nothin’ against you.
Who in hell is “we?”
Haman sticks his bizarrely-painted face out the window and leers.
Oh, shit! You went Rebel!
Where in Hell are you headed?
I in Hell am headed for the
Haman points straight ahead, passes Tony.
Hey, no, Haman, don’t!
Hey, no, Haman, don’t do
Go peddle your porn, Tony.
What’re you, takin’ sides all
of a sudden?
No way! But they moved the
Tony looks ahead, lifts up his sunglasses.
Ambassador listens, bored, as Chauffeur argues with Coolie. At O.S. SOUND OF EXPLOSION, they barely glance up, continue arguing.
Explosion debris flies past. Some Soldiers WHOOP AND CHEER.
Tony drives on toward intersection. In b.g., smoking rubble of Old American Embassy. Tony cuts over rubble to avoid limo and sledge. He takes another route, pulls sunglasses over his eyes.
Fuck. The way we war.
Tony drives away. PULL BACK to include intersection and smoking rubble of embassy, then all of sprawling Thainia. CAMERA MOVES across Thainia, past a building flying the American flag, to a building flying a flag with comedy and tragedy masks, and STOPS on a close-up of that flag which fills the screen.
Hey, Tony, where in Hell ya been?
In Hell, Bubba, my boy. Here’s your
Tony tosses box of gum to Bubba. Bubba tosses Tony money.
Staff of life.
Hey, Tony! Tony!
Hey, Tone! What blew up?
One more misguided rebel.
Hey, Tone. Got any girls?
Got any pot?
Got any Chinese-African-Norwegian
redheads with one leg?
Tony gets out of jeep carrying pantyhose box.
Damn! Just ate my last one.
Soldiers LAUGH. A soldier displays Melanie Marlowe fold-out.
Hey, Tony, you like that?
Best of the west.
Tony slides his sunglasses atop his head, registers the impressive fleet of vehicles.
What’s all the motor power for?
Brass wants you to stuff ’em full
Soldiers GUFFAW. Another Soldier waves the Melanie foldout.
Got any girls like that, Tony?
How much for her, Tone? Can you
get us some stuff like Melanie
A hand-made, glittered poster on a wall reads, “WE BRING STARS TO WARS.” PULL BACK to REVEAL A corridor decorated with film posters, lined with desks manned by MALE SECRETARIES, very busy. Tony enters, saunters down corridor.
Good morning, girls.
Fuck you, Tony.
Tony takes this good-naturedly, tosses small box at a SECRETARY.
Have some panty-hose.
Box flies back at Tony. He dodges. FOLLOW HIM to —
Yeah, Jesus, she arrives today. I
need this. The alleged “rebels” are
shelling anything that moves, and I
get a movie-star laid on me. Someone
tried to kidnap Roseanne, what would
they do to a sex-kitten?…What do you
mean, who’d kidnap Roseanne? This is
Thainia [Ty-een-ya]. Could be the rebels, could be the peace-keepers, could be
someone hungry…Sure, I’ll “consider it
a challenge.” So who do you like for the Oscars?…You’re not serious; he didn’t
even take his shirt off. What would he
get an Oscar for, restraint?
DURING THIS SPEECH, Reynolds offers Tony a cigarette. Tony takes Bic lighter from pocket, presses a button, switch-blade pops out. Reynolds tosses cigarette away. Tony retracts blade and puts Bic in shirt-pocket, listens to Reynolds with growing irritation, then takes cellular phone from pocket and punches in a number, unnoticed by Reynolds. One of Reynolds’ PHONES RINGS.
Hold on, that’s the hot-line. I’m ex-
pecting cognac from a busboy at the
(answers second phone)
No, it’s me. I think I can just
barge in here anytime.
(into first phone)
I’ll get back to you. It’s the
(hangs up both phones)
Make yourself at home.
The tone is fast, friendly. These two guys are basically in the same business, and recognize and enjoy each other.
“Make Yourself At Home.” Is that a
Reynolds grabs a magazine.
All new, all fast, all funny.
How would you like to pick up
a movie star?
With rubber gloves. Who, where,
when, and how much?
Reynolds unfolds fold-out. Tony takes magazine, examines photos.
Melanie Marlowe. The poster girl
for true tits. At Ross Perot Mem-
orial Heliport. In an hour. For a
case of excellent cognac?
Please. I sell it to Marcel. What
do you say to American money?
“Goodbye” when you come in the door.
I could steal five hundred bucks from
the fund for starving orphans. Could
you live with that?
Reynolds takes cash-box from drawer, opens it. Reynolds extends money-clipped wad of money. Tony considers it.
Sure, I been a starving orphan.
Do I get to drive that limo?
In your wet-dreams. The limousine,
with an intelligent driver and an
armed cadre, will be dispatched to
transport Ms. Bosom to the American
Embassy for a tea in her honor.
Get to the punch-line. My meter’s
Reynolds presses an intercom button, speaks into intercom..
Send in the decoy.
Nothing female is safe in Thainia,
and nothing famous. Slenderella
SOUND of WOLF-WHISTLES O.S.. SOUND of DOOR OPENING behind Tony.
Tony turns. Soldier (CARSTAIRS) enters, disguised convincingly as Melanie, in an attractive cocktail dress, with bag.
— will divert and decoy the troops
of all nations with a Melanie Marlowe
motorcade while you haul the genuine
baggage to the embassy in your incon-
Tony stands, circles Carstairs. Carstairs strikes Melanie poses.
And what if they kidnap the Prom
Carstairs draws a big gun from his bag.
I’d like to see them try.
I bet you would.
What is the purpose of Ms. Marsh-
mallow’s visit to our Tales From
The Crypt theme-park?
She’s giving a lecture on brain
surgery. Fool. She’s to entertain
Where do I enlist?
You’re untrainable. You’re to look
A pleasure. Especially when she’s
Tony pinches Carstairs’ ass. Carstairs casually throws Tony to the floor with a martial-arts move. Tony LAUGHS and gets up.
(utterly nonplused by the violence)
You are to see that she doesn’t walk away.
I trust you. You don’t believe in
I believe you said five hundred dollars.
Make that a thousand — a day.
Reynolds gets money, adds it to clip. Tony takes the clip.
You’d sell your grandmother.
Tony puts clip into cigarette pack, puts pack in his shirt-pocket, shrugs.
She sold me first.
That’s show business.
Get out of here, Carstairs. You excite
me in that creation.
Reynolds holds door for Carstairs.
You say that when I’m in uniform.
Damn. Now Tony knows.
Carstairs stows gun and exits. SOUND of O. S. WHISTLES.
(checks his watch)
Get Marlowe to the Embassy. Then get
back here and I’ll fit you with a tux.
Tony walks to door.
If I have to mix with my betters, my
price goes up.
If you give me any trouble, I’ll tell
them you’re a spy.
I’ll tell Marcel to put laxatives in
I’ll hide illegal aliens in your jeep.
I could use the income. For my
Why would anyone want to leave Thainia?
To go to Hollywood and meet movie stars.
Peace in our time.
Tea in your honor.
Tony leaves room.
WIDE SHOT on sky, where vultures circle. PAN DOWN TO dismal countryside. PEASANTS work fields. REFUGEES trudge along one direction. A SOLDIER whose uniform is too mud-spattered to discern his nationality leads a LINE OF CHAINED PRISONERS the opposite way.
WIDE SHOT. A crummy but efficient heliport. Control tower and sheds. Sign reads “ROSS PEROT MEMORIAL HELIPAD. IT JUST DON’T MAKE SENSE!” GUARDS and CREW welcome Motorcade and form it up in a semi-circle around helipad. Tony’s jeep putters past and out of frame behind a shed, playing ROCK MUSIC.
Tony pulls jeep into position behind shed, its right-hand passenger-door toward helipad, hops out. Past the shed WE SEE a good view of the helipad. LANDING CREW scuttles about efficiently in b.g. Tony pulls up top of jeep, rolls up windows, smears them with dirt. Tony finishes preparations, looks around.
A NEW ROCK SONG plays. CLOSE ON pictures of Hollywood in a magazine. They make it look exotic, beautiful. Palms, the “HOLLYWOOD” sign, cars, starlets. Tony’s hand turns a page.
The helicopter descends, making clouds of dust. Landing Crew does its thing. Chopper lands. It’s a biggie. Landing Crew places stairs for passengers to descend. CHOPPER NOISE ends.
Welcome to Thain.
Who in Hell are you?
I in Hell am your guide.
Melanie would respond, but Crewman’s face appears at dirty window. Crewman taps on window.
Take ‘er away, Tone!
Tony grimaces at the nickname. He backs up and turns around, flinging Melanie back in her seat.
Tony Sunday. Transliteration of my
orphanage name, “Thaini San Dei.”
Means, “He who has no name.”
My friends call me, “Bastard.”
(to chauffeur below)
Okay, Barney, let’s get zees
show on ze road.
Who in Hell is THAT?
That in Hell is a brave soldier
covering your ass. Weren’t
I wouldn’t have agreed to that.
I thought I was going to
be kidnapped by rebels.
Not on our first date.
So! Where are big, handsome you
taking li’l ol’ me?
To the American Embassy. They’re
holding a tea in your honor.
So that’s where my honor went.
Shit! The Embassy! Where’s my gold lame?
Melanie flings herself over the seat, rummages through luggage. Tony gets a fantastic view of Melanie’s famous ass.
Fasten your safety-belt.
Melanie comes back, clutching a gown.
Sugar, my gold lame IS my safety-belt.
Slow down. They can’t start without me.
Melanie starts undressing, unembarrassed and professional. Tony reacts by losing control of the jeep momentarily.
Jeep veers crazily, rights itself, goes out of frame. A CROWD begins to appear along both sides of road, of Peasants, Refugees, Soldiers, and OTHERS TO BE DESCRIBED. Ignoring the jeep, they look the opposite way, waiting for the motorcade.
EXT. THE HELIPORT – DAY – CONTINUOUS
Wide shot. The Motorcade pulls out slowly. Carstairs clutches roses with one hand, waves with the other. BAND PLAYS.
Tony’s jeep going much faster than motorcade barrels along road lined by Crowd.
Can you see through that window?
I know every bump and hollow.
Tony, distracted, looks at her “bumps and hollows” as Melanie strips. Jeep hits a bump or hollow, jarring them both.
That’s one right there.
So you’re a native?
I’m the result of ten centuries
of military rape. I’m a native of
every country that ever fucked Thain.
You don’t look much like the characters
lining the road. Who are they?
Don’t you watch educational television?
Empty-headed actress. Fill ‘er up.
Thain was once inhabited by
tiny little people called Flahvans —
(B) The Motorcade, featuring Carstairs, tooling along,
(C) Appropriate CROWD MEMBERS along the roadside, and
(D) Rebels skulking behind CROWD.
EXT. THE ROADSIDE – DAY – CONTINUOUS
Appropriate tiny peasants (FLAHVANS) waving at Motorcade.
— who were conquered by larger
people called “Thainese” —
Larger THAINESE, looking more prosperous, waving at Motorcade.
Carstairs waves benevolently, smells roses. He’s enjoying this.
Melanie, dressing, is intensely interested in Tony’s history.
— who did well as pirates and smugglers until they heard that some nice people to their north, the Celestos —
CELESTOS, even larger and more prosperous, wave at Motorcade.
Melanie listens to Tony intently while dressing and painting. Tony is enjoying himself very much.
— had been thrown out of their homes
by some bullies called the Namanians.
The Thainese thought it was awful not
to have a home, so they invited the
Celestos in to learn piracy and smuggling.
Decent of them.
But the Celestos used Thain as a base to
mount attacks against the Namanians.
So the Namanians invaded Thain.
Big, burly NAMANIANS shove others aside to wave at the Motorcade.
Bingo. Moral: Never do anything
Tell me. I did one socially-conscious
movie and my pin-ups fell off the walls.
They’re back up since you posed nude.
While I still can. Tell more.
While I still can. So, okay, so the
Namanians made slaves of everybody
and found tungsten in them there hills,
so the tungsten-hungry Chinese decided to
come restore liberty —
CHINESE with SERVANTS observe the Motorcade.
Carstairs is getting a little fed-up with this waving bit.
— and the French decided to restore
FRENCH and other EUROPEANS appear, waving at the motorcade.
— then most of Europe remembered
ancestral claims in the area.
Then, of course, America took turns
supporting each of the colonial powers.
AMERICAN BUSINESSMEN, DIPLOMATS, and SOLDIERS appear in the Crowd.
It makes Bosnia-Herzegovina
sound like a panty-raid. So who’s
Everybody is fighting everybody.
But they’re also all in league with each other. Everyone who dies in Thain dies
from friendly fire.
So it’s settled into a congenitally
violent balance of power like Lebanon.
Or the Mid-east. Or Central America.
South America. Belfast. Everywhere.
Tony gapes. Melanie realizes her slip, becomes “empty-headed.”
I do a lot of location shooting.
Yeah. Well, so power was balanced.
Until the rebels appeared.
EXT. BEHIND THE CROWD – DAY – CONTINUOUS
A REBEL LEADER — really ugly, bristling with weapons –, with the head-dress and face-paint Haman wore, runs skulking low behind the Crowd. ANOTHER REBEL appears out of bushes and joins him. [NOTE: Rebels are of all races.]
You don’t like the rebels?
(not noticing her care)
Why wouldn’t I? They buy dope and
cognac like everybody else.
Who do you think they are?
Dumb fucks from all over.
Somebody stirred ’em up.
Nobody knows who.
The REBELS continue running along behind the Crowd. MORE join the LEADER, all armed, in identifying head-dress and face-paint.
Hell, even some half-breed bastards
like me have joined up.
(registers this strongly)
But you wouldn’t?
Who do you think you’re talking to?
I’d like to know.
I’m everybody’s buddy.
You don’t take sides?
I do my job.
Which you see as..?
Right now, protecting you from
Jeep speeds past the Crowd. Crowd cheers oncoming Motorcade.
Carstairs waves, registers cramp, and switches roses to other arm so he can use the other hand to wave. He mutters to driver below:
Barney, this is getting old. Let’s
get this show off the road.
There’s more Rebels. They catch up with the limo (seen over the heads of The Crowd). Rebel Leader gives a terrifying WAR-WHOOP and the Rebels break through the Crowd, firing GUNS.
Autograph hounds! Floorboard
Come on! Come on! Hurry!
Don’t rain on my parade.
I said, “No autographs.”
Carstairs blows in barrel like a cowboy, turns to shoot more.
(of O.S. gunfire)
Must be senseless slaughter then!
Melanie frantically opens window.
Innocent people may be killed!
Tony frantically closes her window while steering with one hand.
Here we call them
Don’t you care?
Care in one hand, bleed in the other,
see which gets full first.
This is your country!
Don’t call it that.
What should I call it?
The Flahvans call it “Flahvania.”
The Thainese call it “Thain.”
The English call it “Tyne.’
The Americans call it “Tiny.”
What do YOU call it?
Tony shrieks to a jarring halt, angrily flings top of jeep back.
I call it “gravel.”
Tony hops out and indicates rubble like a tourist guide. CAMERA PANS AROUND THE JEEP, revealing the devastation to Melanie.
Welcome to my world?
This can’t go on!
That’s why we have Peacekeepers.
As Tony hops back into jeep, he picks up stone, hands it to her.
Want a piece to keep?
Melanie angrily throws the stone away. Tony with cold efficiency flings the jeep top back up, and drives on.
Tony drives on, coldly angry. Melanie professionally repairs her appearance, but, though shaken, refuses to end the discussion.
Unforgivable things have been
done to your country.
To my country, by my country, for
my country, against my country…
Tony rubs futilely at the dirty glass, shoves his sunglasses up.
Don’t you even wonder why?
I know why. The East wants slaves,
the West wants tungsten, the locals
want blood, and the C.I.A. wants the
U.N. to keep the franchise open so it
can sell weapons to everybody.
Cynicism is not enough. You have
to take a side!
(blinks at her tone)
I don’t take sides. I take bets.
If everyone was on one side, the war
would be over!
If nobody took any side, there
wouldn’t BE a war.
You don’t believe there IS a just side?
There’s just suicide! I thought you were supposed to be empty-headed.
Ya pick things up.
I’ll say I do. What’s happened?
Did the bleach get to your brain?
Sarcasm and sophistication are counter-
effective. Alienated intellectuals like
you definitely prolong the conflict!
Tony screeches the to a halt, turns to face her. WE CAN’T SEE what’s outside. He’s scary. Melanie backs away. Behind her, faces press against jeep window.
I doubt seriously that the conflict will be appreciably foreshortened by adrenalin- building boob-bunnies trying to jump-start
stalled careers by dropping in to cock-
tease the troops!
Tony reaches forward as if to attack Melanie. She cringes. He just smiles and opens her door. Melanie turns confused to see —
Welcome to Thainia, Ms. Marlowe.
Whatever Melanie might reply is drowned out by sudden BAND MUSIC.
Passenger door of jeep. Ambassador helps Melanie out of jeep onto a vivid stretch of red carpet that leads through OFFICIALS, GUARDS, MILITARY, WELL-DRESSED WOMEN, REPORTERS, and PHOTOGRAPHERS. All APPLAUD. BAND PLAYS.
Tony, fuming, watches Melanie’s reception.
EXT. EMBASSY – DAY – CONTINUOUS
TIGHT ON MELANIE
Melanie, standing beside jeep, is led forward hand-in-hand by Ambassador. She beams as Ambassador presents dignitaries.
Melanie LEAVES FRAME TO REVEAL Tony leaning out of passenger door to watch the spectacle. Guards open back doors of jeep and take Melanie’s luggage. Tony comes to. He slams passenger door.
Ambassador leads Melanie forward. Crowd closes behind her, hiding jeep. But Melanie and WE CAN HEAR Tony’s JEEP STARTING.
Melanie is led up steps onto porch of Embassy. She turns to see —
..the President of Thain,
(2) Chiang’s expression as he gives a cautioning look.
I’m so sorry. President who?
(3) Chiang’s approving expression.
Chiang’s conspiratorially-smiling face LEAVES FRAME to REVEAL Crowd and street. OVER heads of Crowd surging slowly forward into Embassy, WE SEE Tony’s jeep zoom away down the street.
Those fuckin’ rebels were fuckin’ all
over us, man! Like fuckin’ great planning!
You think somebody tipped them off?
Bubba breaks big bubble.
But you shoulda seen the way they went
for Carstairs, man! Like a fuckin’ magnet!
SOLDIERS (Cont’d O.S.)
So do you think you actually killed
somebody? Do you think they’ll give
you a medal? Did any of the brass
get hit? Was any media there? Maybe
you’ll get on the news! Wow!
O.S. SOUND of Bubba bursting a bubble.
Tony enters. Clustered Secretaries gossip.
Shit, this’ll be another black
mark for Special Services security.
Please, this is Thainia. Everybody
knows if anybody has a wet dream.
Secretaries, annoyed, glance at Tony. One turns and punches Tony through a curtained doorway. Secretaries continue gossiping.
Carstairs will probably get a
A cramped large closet with tiers of costumes hung on racks, stacked boxes, bales, etc. Tony falls through curtain onto floor. Carstairs sits on a box with his “Melanie” dress peeled down. He swigs booze from a bottle. Reynolds doctors Carstairs’ cuts and bruises. They barely turn to notice Tony.
So what happened then?
So this mean-faced fucker, I mean
we’re talkin’ gap-tooth city, man,
comes crawlin’ right the fuck up the
trunk and fuckin’ sticks out his
fuckin’ hand like he was the fuckin’
welcomin’ committee and fuckin’ says,
“Come on! Come on!” like we fuckin’
had a fuckin’ date, man!
You have to be shitting moi.
(painfully getting up)
Take off your clothes, Tony.
Like he expected you to go with him?
There’s your tux.
And you did what?
Tony sees tux on hanger, starts peeling, listens in puzzlement.
I did what? I fuckin’ grabbed his arm
like it was my fuckin’ dick, man, and
pulled my fuckin’ rod out of my fuckin’
roses, and fuckin’ blew his fuckin’ face
away right between his fuckin’ teeth is
what I fuckin’ did!
CLOSE IN on Tony, undressing and pondering.
So what’s she fuckin’ like?
Pardon me. So what’s she like?
For a living. What’s her essence?
Stupid movie star.
Tony transfers cigarettes containing money-clip into a tux pocket. Reynolds ties Tony’s bow-tie.
So it’s genetic?
So did you get a hand-job?
I got jerked-off. It’s not
the same thing.
So is she as beautiful close-up?
(trying to convince himself)
If you get close, you can see right
through her. She’s that shallow.
Oh, stop about the war! It’s all
so ugly! Tell me I’m pretty!
My dear, you are more beautiful
than twin rainbows over Paris.
Oh, I bet you say that to all
Any of you liars see any good
movies lately? Or only mine?
Oh, indeed, Mademoiselle Marlowe —
Please — “Melanie!”
Ah, I would do anything to please Melanie.
Oh? Would you kiss your wife?
Men LAUGH. Melanie covertly looks for Chiang.
I protest I have seen all your films.
(hands monocle back to Ambassador)
That’s something to protest, all right.
I most enjoyed “Bawdy Blossoms.”
MEN (Cont’d, O.S.)
Oh, no, I prefer “Her Hottest Night.” “Seven Lively Sins.” “Joyce of the Jungle.” The one where the Marines stole all your underwear. Where the cowboys held her hostage. Where the princess pretended to be a stripper. What was the name of that one?
Melanie locates Chiang, discreetly nearer to her than before.
“She Shifts Her Background.”
Melanie demonstrates “shifting her background.” Men LAUGH. Melanie stares at Men in near-disbelief, then snaps back into her empty-headed act and GIGGLES along.
DOORBELL RINGS. A MAJOR-DOMO admits GUESTS. Guests submit invitations, Major-Domo announces them.
Your card, sir?….The Ambassador
and Ambassadrix of Iceland.
American Ambassador comes into frame to welcome Guests.
Good evening, your excellencies.
This way to security, please.
FOLLOW American Ambassador as he escorts Guests to
Your card, sir?…The Ambassador
and Ambassadrix of Uruguay.
(to Icelandic Couple)
FOLLOW American Ambassador back to
Good evening, your excellencies.
This way to security, please.
He ushers Uruguayan Couple away as DOORBELL RINGS. Major-Domo opens door to let in Tony, looking stunning in full evening-dress.
Your card, sir? Oh, hi, Tony.
How’s the wife, Jake?
(to a NEW COUPLE)
Your card, sir?
FOLLOW TONY past searching-station.
(with a familiar wink)
Soldiers at attention and Couple waiting nod to Tony. Couple being frisked, arms in air, look over their shoulders.
Looking good, Tony.
Tony! You don’t dress like that for me!
Female Frisker registers this and turns her around roughly. Tony gives them a collective grin-and-wave. FOLLOW TONY INTO
Tony, where are my Girl Scout uniforms?
I have to wait till someone orders
Girl Scouts —
Tony! Here! I’m in here!
There’s one now. See ya.
Take your time.
Tony moves through Guests toward
Oooooh! Here comes my bodyguard!
What in Hell are you doing?
I in Hell am playing movie star.
Get me out of this?
Melanie clutches Tony’s arm and starts through Men.
I’m sorry, fellas. Tony wants
me all for his ownsome. Wife-break!
FOLLOW TONY AND MELANIE through reluctantly-parting Men.
We have to talk.
Gee, you can walk and talk at
the same time.
(searching his eyes)
Tony, what’s wrong?
Did you hear what happened on the road?
People were hurt. People were killed.
I thought around here that’s like
saying the sun rose.
You adjust fast.
You’re my role model.
Look, of course I’m appalled at what
happened to those people — on both sides.
I’m just supposed to be silly and tweety
at these things, okay?
Just doing your job?
I always do my job —
If I know what it is.
What’s up your ass?
My vibrator. Can’t tweet without it.
(trying to be serious)
Look, you know everybody here. I want
you to find out something for me.
The ladies’ room is over there.
Of course, if you’d prefer the men’s —
I’d prefer to know when and where I’m
What’s it to you?
I have a right to know.
It’s kept secret to protect you.
Tell me the secret. I’ll protect you.
You’re due at the Looing-Fo Replacement
Base at eleven-hundred hours tomorrow, okay? Can you get off my foot now?
Looing-Fo — ?
Replacement Base, yes.
Eleven hundred hours.
(sudden “boob bunny”)
That’s a long show!
And how did you know?
Thain is the world’s biggest grapevine.
Everybody knows everything.
Then why didn’t I?
Yours is not just any body.
(beginning to burn)
Keeping me under wraps, are they?
(of her dress)
More than you are. Look, you could
get grabbed like a dime on the street.
Well, it’s nice to know my street value.
Those chauvinist sons-of-bitches.
Don’t talk like that. I told you,
Thain is an echo chamber. Information
spreads faster than clap.
(ready for fun)
Oh, it does? Does it really? It
really does? Let’s us see now!
Melanie, suddenly tweety, grabs drinks from Waiters, shams drunk.
Hey, everybody! Here! Here!
Did you hear that this handsome devil
Is my new fortune-cookie? Why didn’t
somebody tell me that Eurasians are the
best boys in captivity? I guess they
get the best of both hemispheres, huh?
(shaking her own “hemispheres”)
Oooooh, what has Melanie said now?
I’m just dying to get him alone in the
jungle at —
(doubles her volume)
— LOOING-FO! So he can go ape, man!
Fringe benefits, Tony?
Tony shakes Man off and starts after Melanie. A Woman stops Tony.
You never answer my calls, Tony.
Tony shrugs and gets away.
I mean, usually I’m lucky if they
have hot water where I entertain.
But Tony is boiling!
Tony, “boiling” indeed, reaches Melanie.
In fact, he’s just what I’ve been
“LOOING FO” all my life!
Melanie throws her arms around Tony.
Oooooh, I could hug him for eleven
Melanie looks questioningly at Chiang.
(between clinched teeth)
You keep behaving like this, I’ll
never fuck you again.
Like you had a Chinaman’s chance.
(loudly to all)
I told him, “No, no!” but he thought
a double negative meant, “Yes!”
FOLLOW TONY AND MELANIE as he bodily propels her through Guests to
Thanks for having me. I adore being had.
Tony’s arm appears from outside and snatches Melanie away.
In light from the open Embassy door, Tony, clawing car-keys from his pocket with free hand, drags Melanie, flailing her wrap, down the steps past astonished GUARDS. [NOTE: There are no exterior lights.]
Okay, okay, enough. Don’t be rough.
Guard gasps at Melanie, then remembers himself, shouts.
Jake, kill that light!
Jake slams Embassy door with a BANG!
Where are you taking me?
Where you belong. To a kennel!
You’re hurting me!
I feel your pain.
Tony races hell-for-leather, no lights. Melanie wrestles wrap.
Oh, take a joke.
You foreign fuck!
I’ve made you famous.
I’ll make you scream!
Don’t believe your own publicity.
INT./EXT. THE JEEP – DAY – CONTINUOUS
ANGLE ON TONY