play-AFTER BRUNCH by Robert Patrick


Michael Taylor and Randy Noojin as a very similar couple in my "Sit-Com" at the Fifth Estate in L.A., 1980. (above, Michael Taylor and Randy Noojin as a very similar couple in my “Sit-Com” at the Fifth Estate Theatre, L.A., 1980.)

  (GAY and FEY, two lovers, cleaning up after brunch.)

FEY: Was that not the most scintillating, witty brunch since the legendary days of the M.G.M. studio cafeteria? Did I not seamlessly integrate your construction crew cronies and my rent-a-car reprobates? For this I am known as the Good Queen of Kokomo. I have made us a “Home in Indiana,” a Twentieth Century Fox film starring Jeanne Grain, June Haver, and adorable Lon MacAllister.
GAY: Honey?
FEY: Hmmm?
GAY: Leave the dishes? Let me read you a poem I wrote for you? (takes manuscript from pocket.)
FEY (hardly believing his ears): A poem? You wrote me a poem? Like Bill Travers wrote for Jennifer Jones in “The Barretts of Wimpole Street?”
GAY: Sigh. I guess. Listen. This is called, “The Wild Brunch,” or “Let’s Not and Say We Did.” Okay?
FEY (stunned and delighted, sits): Ready when you are, C.B.
GAY: Sigh. (Reads)
All these brunches drive me batty.
Your brunch bunch is coy and catty,
but I bet you’d like this laddy
to learn to play their games.
(FEY: If you could!)
So I’ve studied the old film section
which seems to be their predilection,
and I present for your inspection
my mastery of movie names.
(FEY: Good boy! )
It’s Bett-e Davis but Bet Midler.
Bett-e did “Eve” and Bet was in “Fiddler.”
Bet got bigger as Bett-e got littler.
How’m I doin’ , coach?
(FEY: Divine!)
It’s Rita Hayworth and Susan Hayward.
Both were redheads and both were wayward,
so which one’s better? What’s the gay word?
Butter me that brioche.
(FEY (Laughs): You fool!)
Both Kim Novak and Kim Stanley
and Kim Hunter were all manly (FEY: Bitchy-bitchy!)
but frankly, darling, they blend blandly
into a Kim-toned mass.
(FEY: Oh, dear!)
Maria Montez wore a turban. (FEY: Yes.)
The fat soprano was Deanna Durbin. (FEY: “Stout,” dear.)
Great Joan Crawford was always urban, (FEY: Good boy!)
and women named “Hepburn” have class.
(FEY: Bravo!)
Truman Capote had Errol Flynn.
Natasha Lytess had Mar-i-lyn.
Rock Hudson prob’ly had all the men
on the Universal Studios roster!
(FEY: One hopes ! )
Gina Lollobrigida was really bald.
Robert Taylor cooed when Tyrone Power called.
James Dean had a torture chamber installed.
Mae West was a male impostor.
(FEY: Just rumor!)
Greatest of all was Greta Garbo.
Greta wasn’t built like Adrienne Barbeau.
In fact, great Greta had a movie-star beau
prettier than she was.
(FEY: John Gilbert!)
Poor Lee Remick played in “The Omen.”
Sweet Jean Simmons was frequently Roman.
Tab Hunter starred in “That Kind of Woman,”
which rumor has it he was.
(FEY: Me-ow!)
The brunette’s Cher. The blond’s Madonna.
They never dated, but they’re probably gonna.
Honey, baby, I don’t wanna
play this game no more.
(FEY: But you’re good!)
Who do you think the Colts are pickin’?
Think the Braves’ll take a lickin’?
Call me a clod or call me chicken,
call me names galore,
like “Honey”
or “Baby”
or “Bunny”
or maybe
you don’t recall, Miss Lamour,
(FEY: Dear Dorothy!)
those are the names I got into this game for. (Bows)
FEY (contrite): Oh, honey, baby, I love you manly
like Marlon Brando playing Stanley,
so to keep your love I can leave
movie games behind.
(GAY: Please do!)
From now on, I live our love-life 
in the solid real realm of life
and abandon the above life
of film frivolity
and faggy jollity,
if my man doesn’t mind!
GAY (opening his arms); that’s all I ask, honey.
FEY (runs to embrace GAY): Oh, darling, baby, bunny, what a fool I’ve been! You’re right. I’ve been shallow and social and unfeeling. But now I’m dropping that whole superficial cinematic outlook to concentrate on a happy real life with my man.
GAY: Honey!
(THEY kiss.)
FEY: Just like Norma Shearer in “The Women.”
(Before we hear what Gay’s reaction to this might be, we FADE OUT.)
c 1980
Robert Patrick
1837 N. Alexandria Ave.
L.A. CA 90027
(323) 360-1469
IML rbrtptrck

2 Responses to “play-AFTER BRUNCH by Robert Patrick”

  1. RESUME/Links to Online Works « Robert Patrick's Personal Blog Says:

    […] AFTER BRUNCH – A Two-Man Skit […]


    […] AFTER BRUNCH – A Two-Man Skit SIT-COM – A Play For Three Men […]

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